Friday, July 9, 2010

LeBronker's Decision/World Cup Final Intersplice

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I decided to break down two of the world's biggest events of all time into one tiny write-up because a small slice of that genuine childhood love of sports that I hold nearest and dearest to my heart went to wayside. I want to make sure all the kids out there know the vast differences between the two events, one pure and beautiful, the other manufactured and ridiculous. One occurs on the field in front of tens of thousands of crazed fans within the culture of South Africa, while the other takes place in front of 30 seemingly random selected children in the home of the Sports Tabloid Machine. One consists of 22 athletes pouring everything they have in pursuit of greatness, while the other consisted of two guys playing 22 questions that didn't even reveal any juicy details on LeBrEgo's past sexual experiences. One enhances peace and togetherness of humankind, while the other enhances the brand and ego of quite possibly the biggest brand and ego of all LeMankind. One represents the beauty that can still be found in sports if you look hard enough, while the other epitomes everything the Evil Empire wants you to think sports are about. The two events are, of course, the final of the World Cup and The Lecision, one a preview, while the other a reaction. Since organization is the hardest writing skill to retrieve in a funk, these will be thoughts randomly thrown down with obstensibly no order (or is there?), and if you don't like it, than blame LePunk and his misshapen, headbandless dome.

ESPN Sports~ LeBunk started out the interview like it was a crucial Game 5 of a playoff series, answering the question, "What have you been up to this summer?" with a response of, "This whole free agency....experience...um...looking forward to it." Maybe Jim Gray was sleeping with his mom too...

Real Sports~ Spain absolutely dominated Germany in the semifinal game. Germany had but one good chance to score, while the Spangaloid almost banged home two alone with his oversized Cro-Magnon cabasa. Spain had yet to impress in the Cup until this waxing. It was extremely reminiscent of the Euro 2008 Final that saw Spain dominate in 1-0 fashion. Dirkness concludes their possession style of play matches up very well against Germany.

ESPN Sports~ LeBum might've summed up our generation's efforts best with his choice of taking the easy way out and playing with his friends, deserting the challenge at hand with the Cavaliers, and ignoring the ultimate challenge of going to play for the Knicks. With this choice he can never, ever, EVER enter the discussion for greatest player ever barring unforeseen circumstances (like a Wade injury). Even with eight titles won in a row, he could never take full credit and declare the team his (and would always be one behind Wade).

Real Sports~ The Dutchformation into a bunch of flopping, whiny blokes has been one of the more intriguing storylines of the World Cup for me. I'm convinced the country will call the tournament a failure if they don't win on Sunday because of their style of play. Johan Cruyff, legendary member of their 1974 team that lost in the World Cup Finals, has predicted a Spain victory and all but admitted he's cheering for Spain because of their style of play. And you thought LeBron was a traitor?

ESPN Sports~ What effect has the Lecision had on the supporting cast of characters:
-Dan Gilbert: May have dished out the biggest public thrashing I have ever heard, especially one coming from a suit. The quick highlights used by the Cavaliers owner: "narcissistic, self-promotional," "cowardly betrayal," "shameful display of selfishness," "heartless and callous action," and my personal favorite exclamation, "Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there." Ah huh...
-Mario Chalmers: Things are looking great for the only guaranteed player to be joining The Best Three Friends that Anyone Could Have. I would charge LeDong 2.4 million dollars, a guaranteed invitation to any of their parties, and to have him declare who the real best basketball player in the world was...MARIO!
-Chris Osh Kosh B'gosh: The world still won't find out how much they were shammed into thinking he's actually good. He's not.
-Dan LeBatard: Suddenly sitting on top of the world....BAM!
-The Miami Heat fans: Hello? Are you there? What's that? Oh noooooo another flippin' white-out?!?!

Real Sports~ We are left with one final chance to watch the best player of the tournament, Diego Forlan, in the 3rd place game against Germany. His running mate, Luis "Crazyhands" Suarez, will be returning from a suspension for some sort of irrelevant action, I can't really remember. I think Germany will be extra motivated after the shellacking they took from Spain and will out-Europe the Big Gays, 3-2.

ESPN Sports~ I envision several veterans that want to win to sign with the Heat for way below their market value (like Mike Miller babe already and possibly even Shaq). I think this leads to a pretty dominant team that wins somewhere between 65-70 games next year. I think they meet the Lakers in the Finals over the too-old Celtics and the not-quite-ready Thunder. I'll take the Lakers over the Heat in the Finals thanks to an uber-motivated Kobe.

Real Sports~ The clash between the two historically best soccer countries that have never lifted the Cup, which should provide an extra tension in the World's biggest game. Spain could pull off an impressive feat by winning the 2008 Euro followed by the 2010 World Cup, thus supplanting them as one of the better teams of all time. Netherlands could prove, along with Italy in 2006, that extra-flopping does lead to bigger and better things. My alliances heavily favored Netherlands going into the tournament, but have been betrayed by their style of play. It goes against my morals to cheer on the favorite, which I believe Spain to be. Honestly, I'm not sure who I'm going to cheer for yet, but what I do smell is....

PreDirktion: Spain over Netherlands, 2-0
Golden Boot: David Villa (scores his 6th goal to break tie between he and Wesley Sneijder for Cup's leading scorer)

His Schweinsteigerness

2 comments:

Rickaay the Leadoff Man said...

just a few Lebron variances I woulda like to have seen:

LeBromance
LeBaroness
LeBoredom
LeBackstabber
LeBrontha
LeBitchSlap
LeBrokeAssNigga
LeBros-before-hoes
etc.

Nice fittin in the 90s Osh Kosh shoutout. I think your next wardrobe will consist of those overalls with Voit shoes that poor kids wore in school.

DBZ said...

Ha. I think I like LeBitchSlap best. I don't really blame Lebron. Yeah everyone agrees the press conference was stupid and boring (which is why I didn't watch it), but he has every right to go where he wants. He probably can't ever be the greatest ever now, but honestly I think he just wanted to make sure he was remembered at all at this point. If he signed 6 years with the Cavs and they didn't manage to win, he is past his prime by that point and chances go down.

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